First, I need a screen name, a log-in.
One that’s great because everyone will see. Okay, not everyone, but here’s hoping a bunch of guys on the Onion Personals do. A screen name. For my profile. Something either totally ambiguous or something funny. Not something like: moving4wd (that’s just sad), not anything like sexy1 (ew) or swankkat434 (why?).
A screen name. And then I need a catchy headline, just a sentence or phrase. One that’s witty but not too witty, self-aware but not meta-obnoxious, maybe has a reference, but one that isn’t too pop-fun-woo-hoo-party-gurrrrrlllll or too academic stick-up-your-ass-boring. One that makes people look, obviously, but isn’t one-foot-in-and-one-foot-out, nothing like I’m Supposed to Write a Headline. That’s just a truly pussy thing to write. Who would date that person? Also it can’t have those kinds of words—nothing like ‘pussy’ that might give the wrong impression or totally offend. I guess that’s obvious. It should be a little edgy but not so edgy that it seems sarcastic or disingenuous. You know? A screen name. A headline.
Been checking out some guy’s profile headlines for fodder. I read this one the other day: This is a headline that is trying to grab your attention. Which, first of all, has too many words. I could cut three right now. Also: uh—not that creative. But it does grab your attention (or mine anyhow). It’s the word “grab”. Grab is a great word. It sounds like what it is. Like crooked. Crook-kid. Grab.
Headline Pressure Too Much To Take
For a reason I can’t explain, this makes me laugh. Headline. Pressure. Too Much. To Take… I can hear the pressure building.
Area Man Sure The Onion’s Server Must Be Down (Or Something).
Hilarious. Hil-ar-ious! I want to steal this headline. I’m upset I didn’t think of it. Please date me.
Given up on a clever headline
Wow. Great attitude. You’re already giving up? In that case I totally want go out with you tomorrow!
Ok, super judgmental, I know, but—seriously?
Nasty, Brutish, and Short
I do like a Hobbes reference, but do I like a Hobbes man?
because nothing says intimacy like the internet
Fun-ny. Sounds like an ad for cologne. A little negative, though, right? And also: fun-ny. See, this is where I’m attracted to a person that I should probably-definitely not date. I want to email him right now.
The MDQ 
Hilarious. I was told whilst two years into a four-year relationship, Ok, Marriage, that my man picker was broken. Is a man picker like a walking stick? I ask the Palos Verdes Maven dressed in Chanel. “Well yes, sort of.” So, it’s made of wood? or maybe metal like a water diviner? “Look.” She said. “It’s all three, animal, vegetable and mineral. So, be like a fox, smell you’re own hole first and don’t look too far from the tree, or be squeezing lemons when an orange will do, and don’t be licking salt when it’s sugar you deserve.” Years later, the now of my path, it was such a simple truth. Did I not listen because she was dressed in Chanel? God no, the suit was exquisite. So here it is, elegance is simple, as are men and they will tire fast if they must constantly peel an onion.
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