I chose Athletic because Slim/Petite is as slender as you can get. There’s no Kate-Moss option in the drop down to contextualize Slim/Petite. This is New York City. I know I’m thin but I rather my date isn’t totally disappointed. I don’t want to witness the moment he walks up to me at the bar and finds out I’m Erin, see some “Oh-I-thought-you’d-be-Kate-Moss-Skeletal-but-you’re-Just–Thin,” expression washing over his disappointed face.

Women who choose Athletic, I’ve been told, are often overweight. But I think it’s possible the guys who told me that are overly judgmental slash ridiculous. All their girlfriends are total waifs. They probably don’t know what overweight is.

Counterpoint: I’d up my chances of actually getting dates by choosing Slim/Petite, right? While depressing, perhaps also optimistic?As if the guys looking for emaciated ladies would meet me, Just Thin, and, inspired by my incredible wit and charm, make the exception? Shrug to themselves, figure—Hey? Why not see what dating a Just Thin Girl is like? I’d like to be an optimist. And still, I don’t get why a person would oversell themselves on their profile, because your date is definitely going to find out and you’re going to have to watch their facial expression as they do. Excruciating!

I think New York City needs its own drop-downs. Seriously. Body Type: Emaciated/Williamsburg Skinny, Kate Moss Soho Skeletal, California Slim, French Svelte, American Slim-Petite, Athletic, Average, Anything More than Average/a Little Extra Padding, including: Thick, Generously Proportioned, Great Personality, Will Travel/Open to Moving Inland.

I guess a guy can see my photo anyway. Body shot.

It’s the (non)choices in the form of drop downs. That’s what’s getting to me.

Interested In: Friendship, Play, Dating, Serious Relationship

Gender: Female, male

Age Between: 30-34

Live In: Brooklyn

Relocate? Yes, No, Maybe 

Body Type: Athletic, Average, Slim/Petite, a Little Extra Padding, Thick, Generously proportioned, Prefer not to say

Hair Color: Blond, Red, Black, Brown, Other

Hair Length: Long

Eye Color: Blue

Race/Ethnicity: Asian, Black/African, East Indian, Hispanic/Latino, Middle Eastern, Native American, Pacific Islander, White/Caucasian

Languages: English

Education: School of Life, High School, College, Master’s Degree, PhD, Post-Doctoral

Marital Status: Single, Married, Divorced, Separated

Occupation: Graphic Designer

Income: Rather Not Say

Have Children: No

Want Children: Yes, No, Maybe, Prefer not to say

Pets: Likes

Religion: Atheist, Agnostic, Spiritual, Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist, Hindu, Jehovah’s Witness, Shinto, Sikh, Other, Not Religious, Neither Religious nor Spiritual, Prefer not to say

Star Sign: Leo 

Glasses Or Contacts: Neither

p.s. Ok, can I just say: I can’t believe people actually choose Play for what they’re Interested In. I’m repressed. Or they’re gross. I’m repressed. Also: who is here for Friendship? Really? Friendship? I imagine all the sex offenders choosing Looking for: Friendship.

My online dating screen name: ilipsez.

Please don’t tell me it’s stupid because that’s what it is and I can’t change it now. I like the definition: “The omission from speech or writing of a word or words that are understood from the context.” Shared meaning, the spaces in-between. I like the idea that an ellipses can exist. Optimistic.

Am I being too intellectual? If so at least I have company—I couldn’t have “ellipsis” because other people already had it and who wants to be ellipses_twohundredtwenty? So I used the phonetic.

Oh, and, my headline: “You’re right, you’re right, I know you’re right.”—You know, from When Harry Met Sally. I love Marie, Sally’s friend, who dates that married man and is repeatedly disappointed as he continues not to leave his wife. I love how Sally, and all her friends, keep telling her, over and over: No one thinks he’s EVER going to leave her, Marie. And how Marie just says You’re right, you’re right I know you’re right and then keeps dating him and keeps being disappointed, straight-up admitting to the problem out loud, implying some level of self-awareness, but then continuing to behave precisely the same way? I guess that’s what denial is. Nuts. Who hasn’t done this? No, I’m serious. I challenge you to find that person. We all do this, which is why I like the quote. And why it goes so well with my screen name. Some things do connect us all.

Mostly, When Harry Met Sally—killer movie. I should re-watch it tonight.

Oh, another headline idea I had: “If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster.” Eastwood! But might seem noncommittal or avoidant or something?

First, I need a screen name, a log-in.

One that’s great because everyone will see. Okay, not everyone, but here’s hoping a bunch of guys on the Onion Personals do. A screen name. For my profile. Something either totally ambiguous or something funny. Not something like: moving4wd (that’s just sad), not anything like sexy1 (ew) or swankkat434 (why?).

A screen name. And then I need a catchy headline, just a sentence or phrase. One that’s witty but not too witty, self-aware but not meta-obnoxious, maybe has a reference, but one that isn’t too pop-fun-woo-hoo-party-gurrrrrlllll or too academic stick-up-your-ass-boring. One that makes people look, obviously, but isn’t one-foot-in-and-one-foot-out, nothing like I’m Supposed to Write a Headline. That’s just a truly pussy thing to write. Who would date that person? Also it can’t have those kinds of words—nothing like ‘pussy’ that might give the wrong impression or totally offend. I guess that’s obvious. It should be a little edgy but not so edgy that it seems sarcastic or disingenuous. You know? A screen name. A headline.

Been checking out some guy’s profile headlines for fodder. I read this one the other day: This is a headline that is trying to grab your attention. Which, first of all, has too many words. I could cut three right now. Also: uh—not that creative. But it does grab your attention (or mine anyhow). It’s the word “grab”. Grab is a great word. It sounds like what it is. Like crooked. Crook-kid. Grab.

Headline Pressure Too Much To Take 

For a reason I can’t explain, this makes me laugh. Headline. Pressure. Too Much. To Take… I can hear the pressure building.

Area Man Sure The Onion’s Server Must Be Down (Or Something). 

Hilarious. Hil-ar-ious! I want to steal this headline. I’m upset I didn’t think of it. Please date me.

Given up on a clever headline 

Wow. Great attitude. You’re already giving up? In that case I totally want go out with you tomorrow!

Ok, super judgmental, I know, but—seriously?

Nasty, Brutish, and Short 

I do like a Hobbes reference, but do I like a Hobbes man?

because nothing says intimacy like the internet 

Fun-ny. Sounds like an ad for cologne. A little negative, though, right? And also: fun-ny. See, this is where I’m attracted to a person that I should probably-definitely not date. I want to email him right now.